My brother died in an automobile
accident 2 days before my 33rd birthday on October 20, 2014. He was
29. My family is traditional, particularly around the holidays, and I remember literally
being fearful as Thanksgiving and Christmas approached. I was scared of how sad
we would be during the holidays without him. Of course, we found peace and comfort
in knowing that he celebrates those holidays in Heaven now, but with just 3 and
a half years between us, I didn’t remember a holiday without him.
Top: Jared and me at Christmas one year
Bottom: Jared on his 27th birthday with Mama's famous red velvet cake
On Thanksgiving as a child, I
remember waking up to the scent of my parents’ amazing food cooking. The Macy’s
Thanksgiving Day Parade would be on the TV, and we would eventually make our way
outside to play football with my dad and the neighborhood kids. Before my Nanny*
and Gaugy** passed, we would eat lunch as an extended family at their house. We
lived next door. After their passing, we would eat at home. My mom’s parents
lived in Grove Hill, and we would have Thanksgiving dinner with them.
At Christmas, we had Christmas Eve
at Nanny & Gaugy’s until Gaugy died. Then we had Christmas Eve at Nanny’s. They
pretty much lived next door, and Nanny moved 2 doors down after Gaugy died, so
we were right there together. Jared and I had trails to each of the houses from
our house. Santa came to see us on Christmas morning. Jared and I would usually
camp out in one or the other’s room on Christmas Eve night and watch A
Christmas Story a thousand times until it was time to get up. Then, we waited on
Daddy to set up the humungous camcorder so he could record us opening our
presents. It seemed like it took him forever to do that because we were so
excited!
Jared, Mama, and Mozart, our childhood pet
We spent the mornings enjoying
our gifts, and had lunch in Fulton. Sometimes it varied, but we usually had
dinner at my mom’s parents’ in Grove Hill. After our grandparents passed away and
we became adults, we’ve not changed it much. I still eat Thanksgiving lunch
with my parents. We do a little something on Christmas Eve, and have a big
Christmas breakfast, followed by opening gifts. We go to my in-laws’ for Christmas
lunch.
Jared and his step-daughter, Shelby, at Christmas breakfast at our parents'
On December 18, 1999, I was a
senior in high school. It was a Saturday, and exactly a week before Christmas.
I had been at my friends’ house, and Jared and Daddy were gone when I got home.
My mom said they had taken Nanny to the ER. When I got there, she had already
died of a massive heart attack. That was the first big loss I had experienced. I was
very close to Gaugy, too, but she was about 80 and had cancer. Nanny was in her
mid-sixties and full of life. This was an absolute shock. Nanny loved
Christmas. She had done a lot of Christmas baking, and had already made her perfect,
delicious fudge, divinity, and other goodies for us. She had also wrapped our
gifts and put them under her tree. I remember calling her friends from her
phone and telling them that she had died. On Christmas Eve that year, we went
to her house and ate her goodies and opened our gifts from her. It was very
sad. Her sister, our Aunt Barb, made Christmas breakfast for us that year. Those
are the things I remember the most. I still have the gift tags where she wrote “To
Steph, From Nanny.”
The Charlie Brown tree Jared and I hunted and he cut for my classroom
Fast forward to 2014. In an
effort to prepare myself for the upcoming holidays, I reached out to my friend,
former baby-sitter, and fellow griever, Jessica. Jessica lost two husbands
tragically. Her words helped me the most. I’m paraphrasing, but she said something
along the lines of “you saw him every day, so it will not be as bad as you
think it will. It will be really hard on the people who only saw him on Thanksgiving
and Christmas. You’re grieving every day.” Those words and prayers I’m not even
aware that people prayed got me through. She was right. I know he wants us to
have happy holidays. We got dozens of texts, calls, and Facebook messages, and
still do. It’s amazing to me that people still think of and pray for us even 6
years later.
Jared and his family at our parents' on Christmas morning
Probably the hardest thing for me was not having a gift for him under the tree. In addition to his nice gift(s), I always bought him a goofy pair of boxers. For some reason, not having him here to buy those for really made me sad. Jason had the idea to use the money allotted for Jared’s gifts to buy gifts for others. I also have a special tree for him in my room. I developed a love for angel wings when he died, and people have given me so many. I use them to decorate the tree. They have also given me other things like black lab ornaments like his dog, Jake, and a bike ornament because we always rode bikes as kids. I put the special gifts under this tree. I have done this ever since, and it’s something I really look forward to. I use it as an opportunity to bless others, as well as to keep his memory alive. I do this on his birthday, death anniversary, Christmas, and any time I have an opportunity. I know he would like that.
Two little girls who were very special to Jared receiving gifts in his memory
My friend Stacy lost her mom this
year, my friend Allison lost her dad, and my unofficial child, Christin, lost
her brother. Their grief is what made me feel led to write this. It’s also for
every griever, particularly those who are experiencing what I call their “year
of firsts.” My loss is sibling loss. I know losses are different, but looking
back, the things that helped me are prayer, asking my friends for prayer,
talking to my friends, having a group of grieving friends to support me, and
making good come from the loss. Make their favorite meals on their birthday and
have a party with their friends. Make their gravesites beautiful. Give gifts
and make donations to honor them. Know that they would want you to enjoy the
holidays. Start a new tradition in their memory. Pray that God will lead you to
these things- people, groups, causes- if you don’t know what to do.
Top: Jared's friends came to church on his birthday the first year after his death; the flowers are in his memory
Middle: We had a small ceremony at the cemetery on the one year anniversary of his death
Bottom: Random photo of his grave. We keep it nice and neat, and he has lots of visitors.
Most importantly, there are no celebrations
in Hell. If you do not know where you are going to spend eternity, ask Jesus
into your heart and start living for Him. As a Christian family, not only will
we see Jared again, but we will see Jesus face to face, AND our relationship
with Him has given us the strength and peace to continue living without my
precious brother.
No matter who you are or who you lost, your loved one would want you to enjoy this holiday season. I don’t have all the answers, but I have learned and experienced a lot on my grief journey so far. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, I’m here. I also know a really good counselor. When you’re drowning in a grief wave about the holidays, remind yourself that your loved one wants you to be happy, and ask yourself how you can honor them this holiday season. I am praying for you!
In memory of:
- Jared Daniels
- Mrs. Gayle Sollie
- Mr. Terry Raybon
- Gavin Pugh
- Jessica Crocker
- Stacy Sollie
- Allison Harris
- Christin Pugh
