I hope to let people know that they are not alone, as well as share some things that helped me and some experiences that taught me.
One year ago this week, my husband of 16 years and I said our goodbyes (to our marriage), on good terms. As I look back, I see that I have learned and grown a great deal in this fast year.
Prior to making the decision, I made sure I was emotionally ready. I also made sure I was able to support myself. My ex makes significantly more money than I do, so I knew that my lifestyle would change. Life is all about tradeoffs, and I was willing to accept the changes. I knew that I may no longer be able to afford to get my nails done, eat sushi as regularly as I would like, etc. Those were sacrifices I was willing to make for my happiness.
My dad has always told us that God has a plan for our lives. The Bible also says that in Jeremiah 29:11-13. It’s really neat how things work out. As I was nearing my decision, I picked up a great side-hustle to help meet my financial needs. I was asked to join a college football podcast that took my mind off things and kept me busy during that time. I started a new fitness and nutrition program that gave me a goal on which to focus.
We remained peaceful throughout the whole process (and still do). He bought a house in his hometown, and the way the closing and moving plans worked out, he had to move on 10/20, which is the anniversary of my brother’s death. The 22nd is my birthday, and the 23rd is his. I made it through his move okay. The next day was a little weird coming home to an empty house, but my dad turned the lights on for me. As soon as I drove up and saw that, I knew that everything was going to be okay. The next day was my 40th birthday. My work family decorated my office, my godson and his family came to visit, and I went to visit one of my best friends out of town for the weekend. It was a good birthday, especially considering the circumstances.
The next several months were strange. I am glad they are over. They can best be described as an emotional roller coaster. My mentor son and I made several trips to Mobile and across the (Mobile) Bay to get things to “make the house my own,” so to speak. The holidays were fine, as I enjoyed the time with my parents. Christmas was a bit sad, though. Although I was with my parents, I felt alone at times.
Around the same time, a classmate of my brother’s was also going through a divorce. She and I quickly bonded, and still enjoy talking and doing things together. She and the rest of my support system have been crucial to me through this. I have friends I talk to often and do things with, one whose office I visited and cried regularly. He handed me tissues and told me if I had visible snot. Others sent non-prying messages of support.
I wasn’t in search of or desperate for a man, but I tried my hand at dating. Total nightmare, do NOT recommend. People, for the most part, do not do what they say they are going to do. They may show up, they may not. They probably aren’t going to be on time. TRAINWRECK! After a few months of that foolishness, I declared Cat Lady status. Also during that time, I started spending time with friends and doing things I had always wanted to do. I will forever treasure these times and friends. I went to concerts, planted gardens, redecorated my home and yard, etc. Just after declaring cat lady status, I took a girl trip to see my non-biological sister in Louisiana. We had a fantastic time. I came back totally pumped and solid and okay with being done with dating. It wasn’t a decision I made, but a place where I arrived mentally. It’s just like arriving at the place where I no longer care what people think. Those things are beyond freeing.
Along the lines of no longer caring what people think, I did not post anything about my new chapter until months later. I only told the most trustworthy people who are closest to me. Before making my decision, I reached out to a friend for advice and to hear her experience. I still run into people who say they didn’t know I was divorced. I wasn’t trying to hide anything, but it’s no one’s business. I also didn’t want to be the topic of conversation in the small towns where I live and conduct business. People love to hear bad things about people and add their twists to it. I was not going to add fuel to their fires of pettiness and weakness.
I am a Christian and was raised in a Christian home. I am beyond imperfect. I don’t mean any of this irreverently, but it drives me nuts when judgmental people rank sins. Many people, legalists in particular, think that some sins are worse than others. Let’s say you have x vice. They talk about you and judge you for your vice, but their gossip and judgment are just as sinful as your vice. Whatever your case may be- don’t worry about these people. While you are making moves to improve yourself, they are talking about you. They are behind you for a reason and will always be. Your mindset is not the same. To make moves, it takes courage. It also takes turning a blind eye to the foolishness. The ones who count know better. It took years of having faced my biggest fear, life experience, and therapy to realize this. I am a different person now. WORTH IT!
When I was a teacher and more involved in traditional church, I was under a microscope. My kids know me and my love for and dedication to them. Not that I’m out going wild, but not having to worry about who sees me doing what is also life-changing. A lot of it has to do with legalist beliefs as well. In terms of divorce- I don’t believe that God wants us to live miserably or in an abusive situation. All abuse is not physical. Life after divorce goes on. There are worse things in life. Don’t worry about what people say and think.
To wrap it up, if you are considering making any life change- divorce, career, etc., get your ducks in a row. Talk to trustworthy people who have been there. Have a backup plan. Accept the tradeoffs. Know that everything happens for a reason. Have a good support system. I am these things and don’t just say them without backing them up. I am happy to talk to anyone who needs it. As I learned very quickly after my brother’s tragic death- Life is too short. Live your life. Don’t worry about petty things or petty people.
PS- This is for another blog post, but a week after declaring cat lady status, my other divorced friend invited me to dinner the next day. On a Thursday evening, we went out of the county for dinner and to hear a band. I was approached by one of the kindest, most respectful men I’ve ever met. We went on our first date the following weekend, and the rest is history. To be continued…
